Would the gods have us so blessed!

(alt-text). You make forgetting look so easy ...

Sometimes you forgive people simply because you still want them in your life

Sometimes when I say "I'm ok", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you're not"

Dusk approaches. Only the rhythmic sound of metal against stone is to be heard. The sound abruptly stops, leaving the suns dying rays to reflect of the freshly sharpened hunting knife. A calloused hand picks up the weapon, expertly twirls it, then gently traced the tip across the palm of the other hand, leaving a thin red line in its wake. A smile then blossoms across the man's face.

This is a man to be feared. His eyes are black, jet black. Almost as though darkness has consumes him and possessed him to a point that his eyes are tainted with the color of his soul. He is ruthless, he kills without mercy, and so silent are his footsteps that those he hunts never stand a chance. One moment in perfect health, the next in perfect agony, with their life spewing forth from the gash in their neck; a quiet whisper tells them that they are the latest victim of The Rogue.

He belongs to no one. He lives by his own rules. For this, he knows society can never accept him. He accepts this, for it was he who chose this life of solitude for himself. For the one he loved is no more, buried away in a past as dark as his being, with the only sign it existed being faithfully hung around his neck. This silver amulet was her parting gift, pressed it into his hands on their final night together as they stood in embrace for the last time, crying as she begged him not to leave. This memory of their last moments together always brings a sardonic smile to his face. She thought she knew him, but she didn't.

Fooled by his façade, she thought she saw the some good in his blackened heart; and in her naivety, she thought she could somehow save him from himself. Little did she know, that the more she tried, the deeper she was sending him into his hell. Each time she thought she was getting through, each time she managed to make him open up were merely times she made chinks in his armor. As more chinks were made, he became more vulnerable, and it was not long before he got hurt because of them. The pain he could bear, but the betrayal he could not. He had given his life to protect her, putting himself on the line countless times for her sake, and his reward? Hurt of the most hideous kind.

This betrayal had first caused anger, directed both at her and himself. Angry at her, although blissfully unaware she might have been about the effects of her good intentions, but it was not the process that mattered; she had repaid him for his generosity with grievous hurt, and this was something he could not forgive her for. However, he knew that he too was to blame, he had senselessly let her into his life, selflessly guarding over her. Had he not been the fool to volunteer himself for such an endeavor, he would still be whole. Now all that remained was the amulet, a physical reminder against repeating history; and as the anger festered within him, the resulting bitterness fed the darkness of his soul.

As he fondled the knife in his hand, his thumb traced each notch on its hilt, each notch representing a kill. This knife was his weapon of choice, for there was something special about killing in such close quarters. Stalking up to your victim, so close that you can hear his breathing, almost being able to smell his fear, knowing that he is no longer the hunter, but the prey. Finally, striking. In one swift motion, the Rogue would feel his prey's blood seep through his fingers as the victim gasps for breaths he can no longer take, eyes wide in fear and shock as chokes upon his own blood. 'Suffer' the Rogue would think each time, 'as I have suffered'. Strangely, although each kill did nothing to ease the bitterness within him, it never failed to sooth the turmoil he felt within.

As the last of light fades from the sky, he sheaths his knife. Darkness has come, and it is time to hunt again. If only she knew the monster she had unwittingly created, for there is no hunting like the hunting of men, and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter.

I hope that you think of me from time to time, so I don't feel so pathetic for thinking about you all the time

He opened his eyes, regretting it immediately as the harsh light threatened to blind him. Shielding his eyes with his hands, he let his eyes slowly focus upon his surroundings and groaned. His trip to the dark side of the moon had ended, ‘it is ironic’ he thought ‘how the trip there is so smooth and enjoyable, but the return always makes me wish I was dead.’ Shivering violently, he leaned over his bed as another wave of nausea hit him. With his head over the bucket strategically placed by his bed, he tried to vomit, but nothing came out, not surprising since the last time he ate was two days ago. Nonetheless, his mouth was filled with an acidic taste as he continuously spat saliva into the bucket. He was starving, yet food held no appeal to him.

Flopping back onto his bed, he swore, ‘you used to be my best friend, how could you turn on me like this?’. Indeed, for the past few years, it had always been there for him, whenever the pain became too much to bear, a small doze made it alright again. It had been his comforter, his refuge, but now, it was his living hell. It happened so subtly, small changes that he had thought were merely natural progression, but as his cravings became more frequent and more acute, he began to suspect something was adrift. A behavioral change also became noticeable, previously when it was denied to him, he had merely shrugged and accepted it as doctor’s orders; but a few months ago, when he started to have hot flashes of anger when the doctor said no, he knew he was in trouble.

As the desire for more slowly took possession over his conscious mind, his life began to crumble around him. Everything began to seem meaningless, the company of friends, the challenges of work, other pleasures in life, all seem to have lost their spice. No longer did they give him reasons to get out of bed each morning, instead, all he wanted to do is to lie on it, waiting for his next dose.

He knew he had to make a choice, kick the habit, or forever be a slave to it. Although he knew what he had to do, each time he tried, the emotional and physical strain had him mashed flat. Fever, cramps, spasms, nausea all gripped him, but all this could not compare to the mental anguish knowing everything will be alright, if only he returned to it. ‘The body is weak, I’ll get over you one day, but not today’ he thought to himself each time succumbed to the welcome of relief. The memory of his last attempt made him smile mirthlessly, he told himself for the third time that day, ‘I promise myself, this will be the last shot I’m taking’.

I found this when I was clearing my stuff today, I wrote it when I was 17, in ACS (BR) during period of turmoil.

I want someone,

One who can look through me, past my defenses and to see the person who I really am.
Someone who does so, and is able to accept me for who I am, both the real and the cover.

When I am down and am covering up, is able to look straight into my eyes and ask 'are you alright?' gently.

Someone who I can cry on. Yet not face any judgement of being less man. But that a man still is a human who also has a 'right to bleed and dream'.

Who is able to comfort me as I cry but yet does not judge, accuse or scold. But tries to find where and why I am hurting ad try to understand it from my point of view.

One who is then able to encourage without bombarding me with advice, verses or telling me I can do better. But stands by me with the assurance that they will not give up on me, and will stand by me thorough thick and thin.

Then one small enough for me to take into my arms, hold her tight to know there is always someone there.

And one who will respond to my call and reassure me by just being there and whispering the old cliche 'It's ok... it's ok...'

Then finally share with her all my hopes and dreams, prices and regrets.

At the same time, someone who I can be a hero towards.

One who I can understand, able to look within her eyes and tell how she feels.

One when she is down, I can be the rock to support her, one that sees her cry and someone she can try to without shame.

One who calls me upon receiving good news so we can laugh together.

And one when scared will hide within my arms for protection ad feel safe there.

However, someone who knows how to tell me off when I am wrong, able to put me on the right path without being too harsh, yet able to sweeten the pill with her pretty face.

Someone weak enough that i can support her, yet strong enough that she can support me.

At times of nothingness, is able to keep conversation going to avoid that awkwardness.

Who loves outdoors, nature, the sun, sports, even computer games. One who has similar interests.

Has to enjoy the simple things in life, e.g. star gazing, walks in the park and just a talk over a cup of Milo.

Be able to inspire me to reach my fullest potential and help me each step of the way. Spiritually, academically, ect.

Tell me to smile all the time, be the reason to smile. Saying that my smile males me look ("kind?") well good... when I 'need a reason to wake up in the morning' Just think of her.

Know First Aid, Able to tend my wounds physically and emotionally.

Be a good counselor. Just someone I can talk to about anything.

Can COOK!!! Can boleh bantu saya pada masa pertolongan seperti Candy pada masa 'itu'. Dalam kerja rumah, makanaan, mainan dan just being there for me.

Have a good sense of humor, smile and laugh a lot. Have that kind of sparkle in the eye. The one that comes with a lot of laughter and edge of lips slightly turned that comes with a lot of smiles.



I think I wrote this in one Physics lesson (thanks Jane Chou). Interesting to see what I was thinking about 7 years ago. Also interesting to remember the people I just have been thinking about when I wrote this.

It has been two months since I realized I liked you. It has been an interesting two months, filled with all kinds of events, emotions and memories.

The first time I went out with you, conscious of my feelings to you was on May 23. It was the day we ate at the wanton mee shop, explored the dodgy building with weird jap bars, and ended up at cine eating yogurt for hours. It was also the first time you teh'ed me, and also the first time I actually cared about how I looked when meeting you. I made sure I didn't wear a dri-fit shirt, and also sprayed a little cologne before you arrived. One scene I can't get out of my head was at Frolick, while you were trying to Teh some info out of me, I purposely looked away. You then put a finger on my chin, gently turning my head back to face you, looked at me with wide beseeching eyes, and whispered 'please.......'. Despite how disgusting you can be when you Teh, you looked so damn adorable at that moment.

I left for KL the next weekend for competition. It was a really weird weekend for me. I performed like crap, but still won. But more importantly, it was weird hanging out with him all the time, thinking of you, knowing that he was probably sitting next to me thinking of you too. That was also the trip I promised to interrogate him for you, which I did. He asked me to take you out for your birthday since he couldn't (he promised to pay for the 'date', but I think he forgot to pass me the money, not that I would have accepted it), I had already planned to do so before he asked anyway. While staying over at our friend's place with another mutual friend, our mutual friend kept laughing at me when we chatted on msn because of the stupid look on my face, our host also looked over my shoulder to what we were talking about, saw us play fighting on msn, and asked me 'WHY ARE THE TWO OF YOU NOT TOGETHER?' I shrugged, but thought 'if only we were......'

I met you next on the eve of your birthday. I had route setting for Pumpfest before meeting you, and since you always complain how grubby I am, I brought stuff and took a shower in school before meeting you. I think that day was the first time I planned a date, I checked up on eating places, and places we could hangout at after / before the movie, with multiple backups for each. While watching Pirates 4, both of us conducted social experiments on each other, you wanted to see if I would kiss you, and I wanted to see how much you wanted me to put my arms around you. I still remember when we sat in our seats, I was telling you some story, and every time I gestured with my hands, you leaned forward slightly, almost if expecting me to put my arm around you, which I finally did. Everytime I watch the music video of 'my life would suck without you' by Kelly C, I remember that night. How one moment we would be leaning on each other, the next moment play fighting, a moment later, sitting as far away as possible, refusing to look at one another. Cycle repeats. You also asked me that night if I was jealous of Him, and I remember I totally caught you off guard when I replied 'a bit'. Little did you know, however, you did guess when I gave you a peck on the forehead when your dad picked you up from the MRT. You asked me later that night what that both the peck and the 'a bit' meant later that night, I told you I'll tell you at Pumpfest.

I confessed how I felt about you that weekend at Pumpfest, I even skipped trying the routes again after qualifying to get the chance to talk to you. The one question on my mind was 'should I tell you at all?' because I didn't want it to get weird between us, but mainly because it wasn't going to do me any good, since your heart already belonged to another. I decided to tell you after I answered the 'a bit' question in the MRT, then joking said that it was the only politically correct answer to give. You then replied 'you can always just tell me the truth'. I finally did two bus stops before your place. You asked me if I timed it that way so that it would minimize the time we would be together if it turned awkward, but truth to be told, it just took me that long to get the balls to tell you.

The next day at finals, I kept looking around the crowd for a girl in pink jacket till I found you. You were on the 2nd floor, looking down. I won 2nd for Open that day, and you got your medal for best individual for JCBL, the picture we took with our medals is the only picture we have of us, after knowing each other for three years.

Since that weekend, it seems like every week from then, we've had something important to tell each other.

The weekend after that, was when I asked you if you'll prefer it if I tried to forget you. You said yes. I also told you I felt guilty when I was flirting with Chloe.

You came over to my place to study the next week with Sharon on June 16. We met up two days later, apologizing to each other for making use of each other. We agreed that night that we should be less physical starting the next day. While sending you home, the way we kept squeezing each other's hands showed just how much we treasured those last moments that we could do that.

After losing at Azimuth that weekend, I felt like utter crap. I secretly wished at that moment you were by my side, hugging me.

He arrived at my place two days later. June 20 was a really bad day for me. Since my parents were out, I had invited you over to my place so you could spend time with him in private. The original plan to stay at Sengkang was kinda made to ensure the two of you could spend private time with each other. I kinda knew that that period would suck, but I was unprepared for how much it actually did.

For some reason, although I always knew that you guys would get together, and I could never have you. It didn't really sick in till that week. Why I didn't feel sucky about the whole issue till then is still a mystery to me. The knowledge of both of you hanging out together, made my guts turn cold. I blocked you on msn, and tried to keep myself busy by training for Urban Attack. I really missed you that week, but my churning emotions told me to stay away. I knew you'll be at the finals of Rock Master that weekend. While the rational side of me told me to stay away, I couldn't help it and came down for it away. You saw me walk pass you and smsed me. I sat opposite you, wishing with all my heart to embrace our old friendship, but all I could do was to relate to you in an extremely distant manner. When He sent you off before Open finals started, I felt utterly shitty, and asked myself again 'WHY DID I COME OVER?' I kept wishing the Finals would end quickly that night, so I could get the hell out of SP.

Later that night, Sharon told me that you said 'if jon and I ever drift apart, it'll be his fault. He's been so distant lately'. Although I had been waiting for you to make the first move to patch up our friendship the whole week, I couldn't take it anymore and messaged you.
"You know, I've been planning in my head all kinds of terrible things to say to you, but in the end, I just want to tell you, I miss you."
"I miss you too! Omg u knw last night u dao my sms then i thought u were avoiding me D:"
"I have all week actually"
"I know. The feeling really sucked btw. Haha. BUt i thought u wanted some space so i didn't talk to u"
"Honestly, although I was avoiding you. I kept wishing you'll talk to me. Haha"
"Omg, u knw I felt so shitty. It got worse when sharon said u kept talking to her"

At this point, I called you. You had a paper the next morning, but we couldn't seem to hang up the phone.

I had to fight to keep the strain out of my voice while taking to you. I failed a few times, but it was good to hear your voice.

The next few days were your midterms. During those days, I decided that I had to disappear from your life. Having you so close to me, knowing I can't have you, was just too painful. I prepared a script with all the points I wanted to tell you, and rehearsed it for those four days. On Wednesday night, June 29, the day before we were suppose to meet up and I was going to tell you that I'm going to disappear. You told me, since you're going to be on hols, then I'll be available when you need to whine to someone. I thought "she has no idea what's about to hit her tomorrow'

Your phone ran out of batt the next day, used your friend's phone to confirm details, we ate at Dominos at Killinery Road. I remember listening to you talk, feeling a mixture of happiness of seeing you again, and sadness of what I was going to tell you. I also kept forcing myself to be distant, and wondering 'do I really need to tell you that? I really don't want to lose you'. Halfway through dinner, you said something about Him, my guts turned cold again, and I made up my mind.

I told it to you at the rooftop garden of Orchard Central. One thing was clear, you didn't want me to go, and I really didn't want to go.

I disappeared to KL the next day. I just needed a change of environment, though, it was a lousy choice of destination since he lives there.

I felt really bad the whole week. People kept telling me that I had made the right decision, but I kept thinking, if this is the right decision, why do I feel so uneasy about it? I realized that although I felt sad that my feelings to you was unrequited, most of all, I missed my best friend dearly.

I returned to Singapore on Thursday, so that I could talk to you during your training on Friday, but you didn't turn up. Unwilling to wait for Tuesday to see you at training, I called you and we agreed to meet for lunch.

I missed you terribly. It was really good to see you again, hear the sound of your laughter, listen to you as you talked excitedly about how well your camp went. It has always been your enthusiasm towards life that has been infectious. When you're happy and talking to me, it somehow always lifts my spirits.

Later when I found out the two of you had decided it would be best if I disappeared, I felt like shit. I felt hurt, angry, disappointed, bitter and sad all at the same time. After battling with countless demons all week, you were willing to throw away the friendship that I had fought so hard to keep. I was mentally prepared to write you off from my life totally, never to speak to you again. After ranting to a few people, and had a long discussion with a close friend, we were able to narrow things down. If I was feeling so angsty about you throwing our friendship away, I had to find out how much our friendship meant. Yes, everything in the past showed that it meant the world to you, but yet you were willing to throw it all away. Does that mean you've been lying to me all these while too?

I was still fuming the next day, made arrangements with a friend to go and climb, because staying at home thinking it was driving me insane. I had been thinking, if this friendship is going to workout, you have to show me that you are fighting to keep it as well. I realized that if I were to say I had fought to keep out friendship, I had to make one last fight for it, so I waited for you till your church ended to talk to you.

The purpose of that meet up was simple. I had to tell you two things, 1. I value our friendship a lot. 2. if you throw it away, we will never be friends again. I also had to ask you, on a scale from 1-10, how much does our friendship mean to you? 1 being, fuck off now Jon; 10 being, I'm willing to even break up with Him to stay friends. I would not have accepted a 5-6 answer (both of you are equally important) because I had to know where I really stand in your life.

We both agreed that, if we were to lose each other as friends, it would be highly unlikely to find a similar friend ever again. Thank you, that really meant a lot, and I sincerely apologize for thinking that you were willing to throw our friendship away.

You asked me never to disappear from your life again, I know you did not feel reassured when I replied 'I'll try my best' instead of 'I promise', but I don't want to make promises I cannot keep. This whole saga reminded me that while a relationship can take years to build (as it has with us), it only takes a moment to be destroyed (where it almost happened).

While I'm glad this crisis is seemingly over, it still leaves me in the same spot. Having you so close to me, knowing I can never have you, hurts.

I have never told a girl 'I love you' before, but you've come the closest to earning hose three words from me. While I know I'm only hurting myself by doing this, but I'm not quite ready to let you go. I still wait for you to end training, just to talk to you, even if it's just a few minutes walking to the MRT; I'll still buy you macadamia white choc if I'm passing Subway before I meet you; let you lean on my shoulder, knowing I can no longer put my arm around you. A few years from now, when I look back to this period, I know I might hit myself in the head, and wonder why I was stupidly putting myself through all these pain. But for now, I can't help but wonder if we'll ever share a future together.

I made a promise to you that I will not try to steal you from Him. It really sucks that I cannot be happy for my best friend about the thing that makes her the happiest. But I still feel like crap when I see both of you online, and you take forever to reply me, meaning you're talking to him.

Since no one knows what the future holds, all I can do as I sit staring into the night sky now, is to wait for a shooting star.